Truth be told, small things can bother me a lot. Off hand comments or slight changes in tone or random pictures can leave me thinking about nothing else for days, trying to figure out what it means. I don't like to think people don't like me for a concrete reason. It just bugs me. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, when the issue of my being "a little girl" was discussed this past week, it got my gears turning. It had actually come up several months ago, but it resurfaced while talking about fighting (better than fighting about talking. Harhar.) I wasn't mad this time, and Ben and I basically laughed it off. But the fact that someone would see me as "just a little girl" kinda bothers me. Kinda bothers me immensely, in fact. So, the past few days have been spent thinking about what in me would make someone describe me like that. What pieces of my personality formed that image, and what role do those pieces play in who I think I am.

My family has never treated me like a little girl. I've always been afforded privacy and independence, based on the assumption I could handle things on my own. And I always have. I keep my plates spinning (even if it's haphazardly) and, even though it bugs me, have been known to cave and ask for help when it's absolutely necessary. I've had a job on and off (mostly on) since my 16th birthday, and when I have income, pay my own bills. Now is an exception, but one of very few exceptions in my life. I'm not afraid of hard work, and haven't spent my life sheltered from it. I've made my own decisions in life, and while some of them haven't been that great, I've done the best I can in dealing with the consequences. I've gone with my gut more than once, and it's always landed me where I should be, even if it's in a round-about way. When I first started hanging with Ben, I'll admit I probably seemed like a bleak case. 19-year-old junior college student with multiple tattoos working for minimum wage at a local coffeeshop. Yeah. That's great. But I've moved forward since then. In a matter of months, I've managed to work my way up to 20-year-old Depaul soon-to-be graduate with multiple tattoos, A-B average, and a life plan.

And what about my life plan? I feel like I'm a fairly knowledgable person, especially for a mostly self taught 20 year old from fucking Bureau County. I had a boyfriend once point out that I have this way of getting fixated with something, and learning everything I can about it before moving on to something else. The Beat Generation, Marxist philosophy, Sherlock Holmes, Ancient Egypt. Now, the Kennedy brother's and Middle Eastern politics. I'm no expert by any means, but I feel like my grasp on a whole variety of topics is pretty solid. When I say I want to work in Foreign Policy, it's not just for shits and giggles. Foreign Policy is my hobby. And while I don't have a degree yet, I don't think that means I don't know what I'm talking about.

Sure, I'm giggly and smiley. I like to dance around in parking lots and watch Flight of the Conchords. But I don't think that makes me a little girl. It hasn't been that easy to keep up my generally happy, curious, optimistic outlook on life, especially in keeping up with current events. It would be easy to become a pessimistic, more "grown up" kinda person, but that's not what I want to do. I want to keep loving people. I want to keep having fun. I want to keep cracking inappropriate jokes and describing Foreign Policy in my own, casual words. I want to keep planning my own reality, not one subject to the various sociatel standards others have subscribed to. And so what if that does make me a "little girl?" I'd rather stay happy my whole life than worry about being acceptable.