Do They Even Exist Anymore?

Well, I've spent the last two days doing nothing but thinking. And occasionally watching HBO and MTV, of course. But primarily, I've strictly been thinking. It's been a rough couple of days. A lot of taking stock of things and sorting out my brain. And I think I've come to a very important conclusion, or realization, or whatever you want to call it. I've spent the past year so caught up in trying to impress Ben and win over his family, that I completely forgot about being impressed and won over myself. From the first day we hung out, I was on a mission to put my best face forward and be the kind of girl I thought Ben would want to be with. In doing so, I neglected anything I would want in a guy. I'm not saying he's mediocre in any way, but I had a vision of who would be a good match for me, just like anyone else does.

I guess, in an ideal world, I'd have a partner who is timeless. Classic, sharp, but not in an overdone kind of way. It would have to come naturally. Someone with the kind of wit, cleverness, and cunning to get into back rooms of important places, and the daring to try no matter what. Someone who doesn't just know facts about events, but somehow finds himself involved in one way or another -- the kind of guy who ends up with a wounded arm from an ill timed trip to Africa. Someone with grace under pressure, who doesn't get caught up on trivialities. Someone who sees home as base, but not final destination. Someone who says fascinating things, but still knows that he himself is only a small part of a bigger puzzle. Someone who would, at a cocktail party in Berlin, say something like, "Honestly, I haven't the slightest idea how I got here." Someone who would throw a dart at a spinning globe and go where it lands, and while there waste no time on tourism, but immediately find a local watering hole and get buddy buddy with some locals.

I suppose you could say I always saw myself with the rogue-ish character in any given Evelyn Waugh book. Like Basil Seal, who works for Intelligence during WWII, but only for the sake of a uniform to wear. The sort who will go on a bender, wake up in Istanbul, and say, "Well, this bathtub is certainly in need of some extra padding." Then on to the next adventure. . .

WWAD?

And so, one week from tomorrow I turn 21. Yup, the big 2-1. Entering the next big phase of my life. Year 21 will be the year I graduate college, might be the year I finally move to Paris, and could be the year I actually go out on the weekends. But one thing is for sure: while I have been spending a lot of time looking back over the past 21 years, it's an important time to also look forward. It's a definitive chance to start clean, make some changes. And with that notion in mind, I've decided on my new life motto.

What Would Audrey Do?

I've always seen myself less as what I really am, and more as what I have potential to become. And Audrey Hepburn embodies a lot of those things I wish I was, primarily the whole casual glamourous charm. Sure, Audrey would never have gotten six tattoos and a Monroe, but she was fun, beautiful, confident, yet still humble, caring, and compassionate. What's more, Audrey knew how to draw the line. She didn't belong to anyone, or owe anyone anything. She was her own entity, free to function as she wished.

So, as I awkwardly bumble into adult life, there is no better role model, than Audrey. And I'll be trying to keep that in mind as I go to the bars for the first time.

Back To Plan A

So, I've started kicking around the grad school idea again. What it comes down to is, if I am able to get some killer grants to help with the cost, then it's definitely what I want to do. There are a lot of programs out there for students doing grad school overseas, and if I could hook into those, I'd be good to go. Yesterday I started looking at the reality of living over there, like if I could work and what kind of apartment I'd be looking for, and while it's not glamorous by any stretch, it's enough to make me want to book the first flight over.

I've always looked at apartments in Paris every few months, just to see what's available. So, I have a pretty good idea of what you can get in what neighborhood. I found a few apartments yesterday that would be do-able (some more high on the rent scale, but whatcha gonna do?) Here are a few of them: 75006, 75002, 75006, 75006, 75001. Those are the zip codes for the apartments, with the last number of each corresponding to the district. Ideally, I would find something in the 5-7 district, as that is closest to school. I found one apartment that was right down the street from campus, but I couldn't remember what site it was on. Anyway, I guess my dream apartment would be the 75001. It's in the very heart of Paris, a few blocks from the Louvre. Plus, I like the layout. I know I could get more room for my euro if I went out more from the heart of the city (districts circle out from the 1st district) but I feel like the money is worth it to be in the heart of things.

Depending on when I get out of school and when I start up at AUP, I'm thinking about doing a summer internship. I've found a few paid summer programs, including one at the Institute for Foreign Policy Analysis that requires you be enrolled in an MA program. It would be nice having some income to save up over the summer, and plus it would be solid work experience. Once I'm over there, I could start tutoring in English, or see what kind of stuff AUP can help me find. Either way, I do not intend on not working in Paris. Especially with the US dollar being worth crap, I'd like to have income in euros, rather than having loans that need to be converted. Anything to take the edge off living expenses would be great, even though I don't see it being as much over there. Theoretically, I won't be at home as much as I am now. Paris and I get along better than Chicago and I, and I just can't see myself spending days on end in my apartment.

But, we'll see what happens!

Update: Life Doesn't Suck

Well, I feel better now. Spent yesterday being alternatingly upset and super pissed, but managed not to throw my cell phone, so I'd call it a success. Hung around the house with my mom all day, which was a lot of fun, and went to the fireworks with a group of people, including Ben and Kim, later on. Afterwards, Ben, Josh, and I went over to Anson's, where Ben and I finally got to sit down and talk. Once I had everything off my chest, I felt a lot better, and definitely feel like Ben understands where I'm coming from. So, that's cool.

After going to the hospital on Saturday night and receiving no answers as to the pains I've been having, I oddly enough feel a little better. I guess I'm just not freaking out about it as much. The pain is still there, but I have other things to think about. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to go and hopefully figure out what's wrong, meaning I don't have to go back to Chicago for two more days! Very, very exciting.

But, all in all, the weekend pulled through at the last minute. And while it wasn't a whole lot of fun, it will always be an experience we can look back on: "Remember that one 4th of July you had to go to the emergency room?"

Well, That 4th of July Sucked.

The past few summers have been very informative. It seems like each time, I've learned something different. Summer '07 was when I moved home from Chicago, and was all about reconnecting with old friends. Summer '08 taught me that the people you knew back in high school aren't necessarily the same now, and that it's pretty obvious who you can actually depend on. So far, summer '09 has been kinda weird. This is the first time I'm in summer school and not living at home, which has thrown me for a loop. But this summer is shaping up to be just as eye-opening as the past few. I'm seeing a lot now that I couldn't, or didn't want to, last summer. And I'm learning that the people who make you a priority are the ones worth putting at the top of your list.

I always say that I have great people in my life, and I mean that. The people who have been in my life for the past year or so are awesome friends, and I'm lucky to have them. But in my immediate circle of friends, it feels like I spend more time trying to explain away their behavior than I do actually hanging out with them. I've always been quick to make excuses for people when they upset me, giving them the benefit of the doubt. But the more I think about it, the more obvious it is that, for a few people, I'm someone they can put on a backburner, even when I've just gotten out of the emergency room.

I'm not looking for grand, sweeping gestures. I don't need to outrank everyone all the time. But at least making me feel like I'm being considered would go such a long way. And I mean actually considered, not just doing so in order to avoid a fight or make yourself look good. If there is one thing I hate in people, it's inauthenticity. I'm lucky enough to have a best friend that I know cares enough about me to, when I need her, cancel her 4th of July plans to sit in a hospital with me, then drive around while I vent. That means a whole lot to me, and I would do the same for her in a heartbeat. There are a few people I would do that for, but I guess the question is whether or not they would do that for me.

I <3 Photography

One of my random obsessions is photography. I can't take pictures, but I totally love them. So, I figured I would share some of my favorite spreads, including one that I have yet to see, but know is going to be awesome:

1) Vanity Fair's "Ain't We Got Fun" is appearing in their August issue. The photo shoots Vanity Fair run are always phenomenal, but this one in particular looks cool. Combine some of my favorite actors with the classic age of cinema, and you can't go wrong.

2) Fallen Princesses by Dina Goldstein is a great set that poses the question, "What happened when the fairy tale ends?" Jasmine might be my favorite, but Cinderella is pretty heartbreaking.

3) Domestic Bliss ran in W Magazine during the Angelina-Brad controversy. These pictures are totally gorgeous, but have something very dark just below the surface. That kind of lingering, secret pain is something I'm drawn to in pictures.

4) Don't Shoot the DJ was the first time I ever saw Mark Ronson, and ran right around the time I discovered his album Version. Little to say, it was love at first sight, particularly seeing as how first sight was a spread in GQ based on Jean-Luc Godard's vision of Paris.