Well, I've spent the last two days doing nothing but thinking. And occasionally watching HBO and MTV, of course. But primarily, I've strictly been thinking. It's been a rough couple of days. A lot of taking stock of things and sorting out my brain. And I think I've come to a very important conclusion, or realization, or whatever you want to call it. I've spent the past year so caught up in trying to impress Ben and win over his family, that I completely forgot about being impressed and won over myself. From the first day we hung out, I was on a mission to put my best face forward and be the kind of girl I thought Ben would want to be with. In doing so, I neglected anything I would want in a guy. I'm not saying he's mediocre in any way, but I had a vision of who would be a good match for me, just like anyone else does.
I guess, in an ideal world, I'd have a partner who is timeless. Classic, sharp, but not in an overdone kind of way. It would have to come naturally. Someone with the kind of wit, cleverness, and cunning to get into back rooms of important places, and the daring to try no matter what. Someone who doesn't just know facts about events, but somehow finds himself involved in one way or another -- the kind of guy who ends up with a wounded arm from an ill timed trip to Africa. Someone with grace under pressure, who doesn't get caught up on trivialities. Someone who sees home as base, but not final destination. Someone who says fascinating things, but still knows that he himself is only a small part of a bigger puzzle. Someone who would, at a cocktail party in Berlin, say something like, "Honestly, I haven't the slightest idea how I got here." Someone who would throw a dart at a spinning globe and go where it lands, and while there waste no time on tourism, but immediately find a local watering hole and get buddy buddy with some locals.
I suppose you could say I always saw myself with the rogue-ish character in any given Evelyn Waugh book. Like Basil Seal, who works for Intelligence during WWII, but only for the sake of a uniform to wear. The sort who will go on a bender, wake up in Istanbul, and say, "Well, this bathtub is certainly in need of some extra padding." Then on to the next adventure. . .
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Preach.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how easy it is to lose yourself if you don't consciously think about it? It seems odd that your own subconscious would smother itself.
It's also odd how we're all in introspective mode lately. That usually comes much later in the year for me. Summer is for doing, not for thinking!