My Brain is in Knots

I'm having one of those days where I seriously question the direction my life is going. I have them from time to time, primarily when I change tracks the way I have lately. I've done that a lot in my short lifespan (it's been a lifetime already.) But, lately I've been doing so more often, probably due to my graduating next Spring. For the first time in my life, I actually should have more idea of where I want to head. And just when I think I have a plan ironed out, I remember something else I'd like to do or that would make me happier.

My problem is I have too many passions. Too many things make me happy, but too many things would lead me directly to depression. Part of the problem is, well, who I am, I guess. To me, things that seem impossible just aren't. I'm the kind of girl who will up and go anywhere, buy tickets to Paris at the last minute, move to Chicago on a whim. Get a dog based on a gut feeling or decide when I get to the tattoo shop what to get put on my arm. I've learned that there is nothing set in stone about life, particularly rules about how to go about doing it. So my dreams are big, and seem kind of unattainable to some people.

Anyway, sometimes I feel like I should go into some sort of animal rescue. My family always wanted me to, because I am pretty awesome with animals. Not to mention, where my compassion for people runs out, my compassion for animals picks up. I'd love to work at a sanctuary of some kind, be it for abused pets or orphaned wild animals or anything like that. But, it's something I probably will never do.

And lately I've been thinking hard about grad school. Yeah, going into education is a lot easier and more reliable, but it's so normal. The only problem with grad school is that if I do it, I want to go to Paris. The American University of Paris (ie, my dream school in my dream neighborhood) offers a dual degree two year program with the Sorbonne, so I could get my Masters degree and the French equivalent, which would open a lot of doors for me as far as working in the EU.

Yeah, I still want to live in Paris. I can't get around that boulder in between me and the rest of my life. There are just places when you know you belong, and Paris is that place for me. No two ways about it. Last time I was there, I kind of started crying on the Metro because it finally sunk in that I'd, someday, have to chose between the place I love and the people I love, and God, that is a hard decision to make. I thought I had made up my mind a few months ago, when I decided not to do my undergrad studies at AUP, but of course, here I am back at square one, trying to find ways to get where I know I should be.